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But the acid was a classic bad trip, during which I thought I heard the breathing of dead people. With sex, as with drugs, my interest in the entity itself was far less potent a motivator than my fervent desire to transform myself from tiny dork into Janis Joplin. It felt like my job. I needed to do things that would make people gasp. Nobody would gasp if they heard a fifteen- or sixteen-year-old had lost her virginity. The clock was ticking. I had a beautiful boyfriend when I was fourteen, with whom I was thoroughly infatuated. Josh had dark blue eyes and long, curly brown hair, which was (prematurely!) streaked with silver. He hung out on the steps in front of our high school with other boys who smoked cigarettes and, occasionally, joints in the bushes. Both of our sets of parents were slowly but surely separating, and both Josh and I were paradoxically desperate to assert our independence from them by mimicking the very expressions of rebellion they had taught us. We listened to. “Yes I did. So how many?” I asked. “But do I get immunity though?” Jeff asked. “Do you really think you need immunity?” I asked. “Well, certain things can bite you in the ass,” Jeff replied. He did have a point. But still how mad did he think I'd get?“You have immunity,” I said. “OK then. Before you, 7,” Jeff replied. I was a little surprised, I thought it would be more. But why would he think he needed immunity for only 7? I had no idea. “No kidding. Not 16 or 17?” I asked. “No sis, just 7, so truth or dare?” Jeff asked. “Truth,” I replied. “Did you wanna marry me before we hooked up?” Jeff asked. “Yes. I knew I loved you and wanted nothing more than to be with you for the rest of my life when I saw you naked from the closet,” I replied. Then he leaned over to me and gave me a kiss. But we had to kiss for a minute though. Then he sat back down. “OK truth or dare?” I asked. “Dare,” Jeff replied. “I dare you to masturbate right in front of me,” I said. “That's it?” Jeff asked. “Yes, I.
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